When a child is diagnosed with autism, parents develop a new 
vocabulary..
Conversations contain words like ABA, receptive and expressive 
language,
discrete trial training, eye contact, floor time and biomedical
approaches.
 Parents share their joys, their fears, their strategies and their
 dreams.
 In fact, almost everything is easily discussed except one thing
THE
GUILT FACTOR.
While it's proven time and again that parents are NOT
responsible for
their
child's autism, many parents have this nagging little feeling 
somewhere
deep inside that they are to blame. If they don't feel they
caused the
autism, they typically feel that their child would be doing 
better and
progressing faster if they just put more effort into it.
One can only equate it to preparing for the Bar exam. No matter 
you study, you could always do a little more. Simple every day
activities
result in great emotional stress for an autism spectrum parent. 
It's not
long before the "guilt factor" spills over into every area of life.
HOW THE GUILT FACTOR IMPEDES YOUR LIFE
Your autism spectrum child is interested in animals. In a
completely
non-typical" method of conversation, your child names all the farm
 animals
and wants you to repeat it back to him. Again and again and 
again! You do
so and the guilt factor sets in. "This is so inappropriate" you 
think to
yourself. "I should take this opportunity to teach my child how to
converse appropriately." But you know that if you don't comply
child's wishes he'll have a meltdown, and you're busying making 
dinner,
your two year old is crying because she's hungry and your eldest
needs help
with her homework questions. Disheartened, you continue the
banter with
your child, blaming yourself for not doing a better job.
The telephone rings and it's your friend. You're thoroughly
enjoying the
conversation but just then you notice your child repeatedly
spinning the
wheels on a toy truck while making a strange noise. "I shouldn't be
talking to my friend. I should be teaching my child how to play 
with that
toy" you silently berate yourself. Then your child begins to run 
up and
down the hall and you silently reprimand yourself. "I must get 
off this
phone. Time is precious and I should be engaging my child". Feeling
discouraged, you're torn between hanging up on your friend and
 redirecting
your child.

When picking up your child from OT, you chat politely to the other
 parents.
 One mother mentions that her daughter has extra speech therapy.
Another
one talks about the social skills group she enrolled her son in.
Another
one declares that she just signed her child up for Karate with 
an aide to
help him. Despair and guilt wash over you. "These parents do so 
much" you
think to yourself. "How do they do it? Where do they find the 
time? I
should do more. Perhaps I should have signed my child up for Karate
instead of swimming." As the guilt factor sets in, you 
shamefully accuse
yourself of being a bad parent.
It's been a long day and you're exhausted. You've been to work, 
dealt
with
tantrums, spoken to three teachers, rearranged your child's therapy
schedule, cooked dinner, bathed your children, cleaned up and
 prompted your
child through simple activities. As you plop on the couch to 
watch some
TV, that feeling of guilt washes over you. "I shouldn't be 
relaxing." You
say to yourself. "I should be re-writing my child's program. I
should be
researching new methods of treatment. I should be going over my 
child's
IEP." But your brain can't take one more thought about autism 
and you
guiltily sink into the couch and think "Tomorrow, I'll tackle it
KEEP IT IN PERSPECTIVE
Paradoxically, parents of autism spectrum kids are one of the most
proactive groups that exist. While they commonly feel they're
not doing
enough, these parents should be honored and commended. They're 
able to
cope with more in a day, a month and a year than most can
conceive of
coping with in a lifetime. Their resilience, creativity and 
persistence
help their children progress and reach potential that nobody
thought
possible. The great strides that have been made in the autism 
are largely due to parent driven establishment. The next time 
the guilt
factor sets in, keep it in perspective and remember the 
following points.
1. You're not alone
 You are a great parent. You are your child's best advocate. You 
have a
lot on your plate. Your days are often filled with a great deal
of mental
anguish and emotional stress. You help your child through small
 activities
 for your
child. You fight for the best class placement. It can be tiring. 
be exhausting. As you look around, you often feel that other 
parents are doing a better job. Realize they think the same of you. The 
guilt factor
impedes their life too. Parents of autism spectrum kids have a 
common
bond. They understand, they empathize and they spur each other 
on. If you
declare "My 6 year old dressed independently today" they rejoice 
with
 you,
because they too appreciate every milestone, large or small.

2. Organizations
Parents of children with autism have been the catalyst of some
of the
largest and most successful establishments for helping those on the
spectrum. This is on a worldwide basis. A large number of autism 
schools
have been driven by parents. Special education distributors and
manufacturers often have parents at the helm. Researchers and
educators
are often parents. Increased services in schools and communities 
are the
 teams of
 dedicated parents who are committed to helping those on the 
spectrum. You
might not be part of one of these establishments but you have 
made a
difference. It's the combined unity of parents and a strong 
voice when
advocating for your child that calls these organizations into 
being.

3. Relationships
When your child is born you are instantly a parent. The role of 
a parent
is to love, educate and support your child. You provide your 
child with
values, teach right from wrong, build their self esteem and 
guide them to
become happy, independent adults. When you have a child with 
autism, you
become a teacher. The role of a teacher is to educate a child. 
Whether
it's a small task or a large task, teachers use every
opportunity to
educate a child. As a parent of a child on the spectrum it's
difficult to
maintain a balance. While you want your child to learn as much as
possible, you also simply want to be a parent. The next time the 
guilt
factor sets in because you're not teaching your child at every 
moment,
release it immediately. Your child loves it when you're just 
being a Mom
or just being a Dad. While it's perfectly fine to teach some of 
the time,
a healthy balance leads to a healthy relationship between you 
those moments with your child. Even if they aren't typical 
interactions,
they're certainly fun!
 

 On asking adults with autism "What's the single piece of advice 
you
 would
give to parents of autism spectrum kids?" the answer is almost 
always a
unanimous "Unconditional love and acceptance." For just a 
moment, view
your child's perspective. Almost every action gets corrected. 
Almost
every behavior is modified. Method of play is considered 
inappropriate.
Self stimulatory behavior is often halted. Your child is
constantly being
told to think, talk and act in a way that is foreign to his
inner nature.
It can't be easy to keep one's self esteem intact. I certainly 
advocate
teaching as many skills as possible to help your child function
in life..
However, it's essential your child knows you believe he is perfect
 just the
way he is. It's simply unfortunate that others might have
difficulty
understanding him. Your child should intrinsically know the
reason he's
learning new skills and altering his behavior is not because you
 want to change him, but because it will help others relate to 
him, grant
him acceptance and allow him to lead a more productive life. The 
next
 time
you feel guilty about not correcting your child's behavior or
mannerisms,
remember that delighting in your child's unique qualities is 
just as
important as teaching appropriate actions.
The next time the Guilt Factor impedes your life, simply 
acknowledge its
presence. You don't feel guilty because you're a bad parent. You 
feel
guilty because you're an outstanding parent. You're a parent who 
loves
your child dearly. You're a parent who is so committed to
helping your  child learn that you feel bad taking time for yourself. Your 
hard work,
dedication, energy and eternal giving are unbeknown to most and
 recognized
by few. I acknowledge you and say "Well done! I know how 
committed you
are and what it takes. You are an exceptional parent and I 
recognize your
greatness!
 By Jene Aviram
Natural Learning Concepts
www.nlconcepts.com